alone, i sit, contemplating.
Things of the past, things of the present, what's to come for the future.
Our emotions seem to control us in a manner we can somewhat not control,
and while I have no idea exactly where I am headed, I feel a peace.

For the first time in a long time, I am content.
I can once again make my own decision, and be happy doing it.
I have not had to ask permission, fear the response or try to justify my actions as a person and that alone makes me feel healthier....even with increased stress, increased work load, and a huge lack of sleep.

I am scared. Scared of the reality that lies here. That I have some big steps to take before the bridge is finally crossed...scared that the rock bottom has not yet been hit.
But I am ever learning. God will never let go of me, nor I to Him. And I can only pray that the right people come into my life at the right time..and that when I hit rock bottom, I can rise back up, to a stronger, better woman of God.

Today I have continuously felt this nauseous sensation in my stomach. Bit by bit, my senses come back to me. I realize that what I really need to face is not him necessarily, but you.
Because I look into the past, I stumble now and into the future. But I have learned, that if I can not have what I felt with you, or more, than I want nothing at all. And I owe it to Elf, for asking.. the hard question.. would I ever react the way I reacted?..my answer, no.
It's funny that she knew, the thing I fear/ feared the most is/was losing you.
So I ask myself, can you lose what's already been lost? Or can you find it again, because although the hatchet has been buried, the handle has definitely been left sticking out?







i'm scared of never being your friend.

I am taking a chance at my own future.
I can only hope God is beside me, full of mercy and full of grace. Full of strength.
Maybe I am not stuck.. maybe I just needed the extra nudge off the edge.
Please Lord, fill my mind with Your wisdom only.
Fill me Lord, with the strength that brought forth Jesus from the tomb.
Let me be me.

May it never be

Can you trust someone too much?
Today's question sits in my mind.
Can we really trust people with our hearts?
To be able to reach down into ourselves and hand over the very heart that makes us human.

Can we really believe people are genuine?
Can someone look you in the eye, say they understand, and really be pretending to care.

Or can it be that Satan has his way of attacking us, as per usual into believing the worst of people.

I trusted you with my heart, in a very serious situation.
I believed you were genuine, as I have from the day we met.
Please don't let it be, that you would share, the deepest parts of my soul.....unless and truly unless it was necessary for the contentment of your soul.. not as to expose me as a being, but aiding you in a process...

My mind spins with rage.. Confusion..frustration.. as I lay awake..
As I have been laying awake.
Are you the you I thought you were, or are you the you I make you to be...

I thought we were like clockwork and now I am not so sure....if I am spinning counter clockwise..