Rules and Regulations

Thoughts are running through my head. A mile a minute. One after the other. Rushing in like a force of water, fighting its way against the rocks but always strong enough to sneak through the smallest of cracks and pass by... Until the thoughts get swept up in a whirlwind, spinning, wishing, washing into white riffs and circling, circling, circling.... The movement forward has stopped... Caught in a dam. There is no forward. The wall has been hit... 
Circling.... circling...circling. 

The topic: Rules and Regulations. 
...Between People. 

What constitutes the rules? 

I find it all too interesting the way in which we automatically assume one way and go with it, or assume what someone 'wants' and follow that path. 
Is there genuinely a person who is okay with being 100% them self?, without fear of another walking away? 
Who is willing these days to lay all their cards out on the table and say "here's who I am", pick up or pass?" 
And isn't that truly, exactly what we need to do? 

At this day and age-- people confuse lust with love, needs with wants and desires, and will take the smallest piece of bait and run with it...

Why? 

Are we a people so desperate and deprived of self-confidence that any form of attention will be sufficient? 
A people so deprived of genuine unconditional love that a touch of the hand and a look of the eye is convincing of security? 

Wrong. 

Nothing could be more wrong. 

Can we be a humanity that seeks to encourage others? A humanity that wishes well on every person that passes by? 
Can we challenge ourselves to love the person in front of us?, without knowing whether they will accept or decline the kindness from within? 

Why do we regulate how we should act in a relationship? 

Can we grasp the concept of "I am who I am, love me for the good and the bad, the ups and the downs, the normal and the crazy? And I will, in turn do the same for you? .. Putting your needs before my own, because I care for you?" 

Can you give up self to gain perhaps the best thing you have ever experienced? 

Passion. 

Having read the saying that our human compulsion is either to rehearse what will be or rehash what has been-- to me lies the answer. We focus on the wrong things---past or future.... but the only place where life may be fully lived is here in the present moment. 
We need to knock down the ideas of rules and regulations... Face each other with non-judgement and give love... embrace our fears of being real--- it is in embracing these fears, that we will find our very own hearts.

Thus being able to give freely-- without the chains that bind us and throw the 'rule book' we've let condition us out the window... 

The rear view is small so as not to be viewing so much of the past. The windshield is large, so as to see what is right in front of us. 

*Goodbye rule book-- as the pages tear at the seams and fly away in the wind* 

I am me. 
God fearing. Crazy. Sweet. Wild. Stubborn. With the greatest desire to help everyone I come into contact with, at least once. 
I argue. I laugh. I cry. 
I feel. I struggle. I win. I lose. 
I'm honest. 
All I can be is all I can be. I keep trying. 

While having 'nothing' to offer in terms of 'today's society', I have a heart-- willing to endure, willing to just be. 

I am me. 
No rules. No regulations.

The change up

Inspiration... and what is it to us?
What is it that ignites the flame within us and fans that flame in order to push our ambition to a point of no holding back?

Not just what it is... but also what is it on the other end of the spectrum.. what is the force that is strong enough to exasperate the flame?

That force.. thats the kicker.
The 'something', the 'someone' who can take all you hold within your heart and crush it, squeezing out every last ounce of 'hope' you have left.

And after the flame ceases to exist, what is it that can undo what has been done?
What is it that can spark a new flame, a stronger flame?

So many people I see walking around these days, living complacent lives, being in stagnant relationships, going in and out of their days simply because thats the routine of life.
..That is exhausting...
My ultimate question is why? and even how..
Why do we allow ourselves to fall into a category of life so monotonous?
Why do we stay in relationships and rock with the motion, going forward on the notion of "this is the next step", but yet my heart is unfulfilled??
Why do we not set before us the bar of excellence and strive until we reach it? Despite the obstacles that may lay on the road to success?

I have been broken. I have been controlled. I have been depressed. I have been derailed that jaded couldnt begin to describe the emotion within.

WHY do we let people infect us? We need to affect people as oppose to them infecting us, and begin to manage our emotions instead of letting our emotions manage us. (Thank you Joyce Meyer)

We continue on in these moments, yet frozen in time because we wont make up our minds.. we keep running to release ourselves from ourselves..
Aldous Huxley once wrote " Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored"

... I believe we know in our heart of hearts what is right for us....
All I can do is love the person in front of me.

Proverbs 3!!

My son, do not forget my teaching,
but keep my commands in your heart,
for they will prolong your life many years
and bring you peace and prosperity.
Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil.
This will bring health to your body
and nourishment to your bones.
Honor the LORD with your wealth,
with the firstfruits of all your crops;
then your barns will be filled to overflowing,
and your vats will brim over with new wine.
My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline,
and do not resent his rebuke,
because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
as a father the son he delights in
Blessed are those who find wisdom,
those who gain understanding,
for she is more profitable than silver
and yields better returns than gold.
She is more precious than rubies;
nothing you desire can compare with her.
Long life is in her right hand;
in her left hand are riches and honor.
Her ways are pleasant ways,
and all her paths are peace.
She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her;
those who hold her fast will be blessed.
By wisdom the LORD laid the earth’s foundations,
by understanding he set the heavens in place;
by his knowledge the watery depths were divided,
and the clouds let drop the dew.
My son, do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight,
preserve sound judgment and discretion;
they will be life for you,
an ornament to grace your neck.
Then you will go on your way in safety,
and your foot will not stumble.
When you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.
Have no fear of sudden disaster
or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked,
for the LORD will be at your side
and will keep your foot from being snared.
Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,
when it is in your power to act.
Do not say to your neighbor, “Come back tomorrow and I’ll give it to you”—
when you already have it with you.
Do not plot harm against your neighbor,
who lives trustfully near you.
Do not accuse anyone for no reason—
when they have done you no harm.
Do not envy the violent or choose any of their ways.
For the LORD detests the perverse
but takes the upright into his confidence.
The LORD’s curse is on the house of the wicked,
but he blesses the home of the righteous.
He mocks proud mockers
but shows favor to the humble and oppressed.
The wise inherit honor,
but fools get only shame.

stake

Time spins.
Time winds down.
The day is almost here.
I sit silently.
...
I declare my wishes for you.
From the sincerity and bottom of my heart.

over and over again plays the vicious cycle...
a sick cycle carousel.

wednesday

Like being stuck in a hurricane
I spin around in circles,
... that I like to blame you for creating
When truth simply reveals,
I spin them for myself.

Completely wrapped up in the illusion
of you.
Your dark eyes
Your beautiful smile
Your stubborn, angering ways.
That seemingly always bring a smile to my face.
I think back to being wrapped in your arms,
covered in blankets, unable to escape,
"floating" away to the sound of your voice.

And then it happens, reality..
The knife of truth stabs the waterbed
water rushes over the scene...
we lay drenched in truth and lies,
and instead of floating
we're suddenly drowning...
Looking up to grasp something,
anything,
And there it stands, the picture.

Who is in your arms?

None other than.. her.

I give up on reaching for something
lay back down and surrender to the pouring floods
Let tears fall, as water fills my lungs,
quietly and tragically
the life comes to an end...


Wednesday can't come fast enough.

confused as nothing else.
spinning through my head.
seeking, desiring, craving.
to solely ask why.
why did you walk into my life.
inconvenient. untrustworthy. dangerous.
in my head.
under the weight of your wings.
not even knowing you well enough.
I make believe you to be what I see.

As the sun sets, another day is passing,
The days are all going by one in the same.
Fall is setting in, and the beautiful trees are beginning their change for winter. The world ever-changing. Work slowing steadily.

I am in a state of many emotions...

Worried...
* about this weekend.. fearing 3 against 1. But feel it most necessary to do so, solely to appease. Not knowing what will come of it, but needing to stick to what is best for me. That God fills me with His wisdom and strength.
* about my mother.. until I see blood results and hear this is normal.. until she gains energy enough to live a normal day again. I cant have her any other way. Its most likely nothing, but until we know, our minds will always take an idea and run with it..That God heals her and renews her strength.
*about October 31st and where to next. And Bentley


Frustrated..
* by manipulation in a round about way.
* simply by being frustrated
* by every day revolving around the same pain, or concept. That I bit the hand that fed me. That when I look for your opinion, when I need you to hear me, or just voice reason, you're not there. I just want to talk to you, harmlessly and innocently.
* by thinking that problems were solved, tensions relieved, yet reality proves said wrong.
*by never knowing which is left and which is right

Happy
* that the sunshine remains constant
* for the blessings of provision
* for the truth that God's favor is and goes before me
* knowing that no matter what, knowing Him,,, there is no greater thing...and on that, I stand.